by Jessup McGomery
From the moment I poured my first glass of the finest Franzia Chardonnay, I knew that I held something special in my hands. As I swirled the dim, sluggish liquid in my glass, I immediately detected the subtly musky, almost musty aroma. The sensation of my nasal passages instantly cleansing themselves was quite unlike any I have had the pleasure of experiencing.
Drawing the glass to my lips, the second stage of my rapture began in full. The taste was among the most complex I have ever encountered in my long years as a dégustateur professionnelle; there were undertones of plasticine and corrugated cardboard, with just an inkling of moldy cheese. The flavor was brought together by the cohesively driving force, that creamy-but-tangy embodiment of bliss that is l’excrément, that is to say, shit.
The finish of the wine was perhaps the most wondrous part of the whole experience, because it was able to piece together the complicated and complete flavors of everything else I had eaten that day, as the Franzia caused its immediate and forceful oral ejection. In this way, this marvelous Queen of Chardonnays could be considered a weight-loss supplement: just one of its many uses.
And this is where this wine truly shines — its versatility. In addition to its nasal cleansing and weight-loss potential, it can serve as a drain cleaner, a pickling solution or even a self-defense weapon. If the power goes out, you can dip wicks in it and use it as a candlewax. For those who have hair in unwanted places, a quick bath in this wonderful wine (perhaps diluted in water, for safety) will burn it right off! All told, I cannot recommend this holiest of liquids highly enough.
For fans of: Car wax, Drano, Particularly rough vinegars, Elderberry wine