Published April 1, 2013
SG Update
by Johan Lyndenburg

At the March 22 Student Government (SG) meeting, the representatives woke up from their “nappy time” and the delayed meeting commenced after a quick afternoon snack of orange flavored Jell-O. The kindergarteners were helped to their seats and instructed to wipe their hands. They were visited by a student speaking on his own behalf and a member of financial services.

Drew Gunther, a concerned third year Business major, was the first to present his disappointment with the members of SG. The sounds of burps and yawns cleared out as he made a bold claim that they were “acting like children.” He presented a graph showing the time spent on mid-day naps, cookie breaks, painting the wall of the meeting room and play time. He also criticized the use of their budget, which has been spent on their daily snacks, teddy bears and “horsies” used to carry them to meetings. Though the members were paying little attention to what he said, seeing the anger on his face scared them. Some members began to tear up and a tantrum ensued. The sheer power of the combined cries of the members forced Gunther from the room.

Anthony Taylor, representative of Financial Services, proposed a tuition increase for the next academic year. Some members of SG seemed reject the idea until Anthony passed out ice cream from Ben & Jerry’s and said he would extend their play time. The members clapped as thanks to his “gift” and quickly changed their thoughts on the tuition hike. When questioned about his methods, Taylor said, “Oh no, this is common place. It’s easier for them to listen and really absorb what I have to say.” SG members were unavailable to comment on their decision; their mommies and daddies had come to pick them up.

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