by Alias Soodonihm
RIT hockey player and fourth year Zamboni Technology major Biff Hoser has narrowly escaped charges of vandalism and criminal mischief after defacing the home of an old woman who failed to recognize him. Last Saturday, Hoser, along with first year Communications major and benchwarmer Norman Tagas, graced an off-campus party attended by many a student and faculty alike. It would have been a normal evening of high spirits and debauchery for Hoser had it not been for his encounter with Mabel Porter.
Upon first entering the party, Hoser was immediately greeted with praise, gushing, and lap dances from the crowd that quickly flocked around him. “As soon as we saw who had come through the door, all the panties came off and the Sharpies came out, everyone clamoring to get a body part signed. “I got him to sign my collarbone!” recalled one anonymous party-goer.
The only one left on the dance floor was 78 year-old RIT alumnus Mabel Porter. She continued her, what was described as “sexy-as-hell” and “probably illegal in some states,” Jitterbugging despite the commotion over Hoser. According to witnesses, when Hoser noticed Porter and her lack of sycophancy he became annoyed. “When Biff realized he didn’t have the attention of everyone in the room, he became visibly angry — I think I heard him growl,” said second year puck-bunny Pinky Summers.
The first person to notice the source of Hoser’s annoyance was Tagas, who reportedly went to confront Porter, asking, “Didn’t you see who just came in?” Porter, appearing surprised and confused, replied, “I don’t see anyone” to which the entire party — previously holding a collective breath — ‘ooohed’ like the oooh of a classroom of middle-schoolers after someone’s been called to the principal’s office.
Hoser, listening to the exchange, nearly threw off his gloves. He attempted to storm over to Porter, but instead almost fell to the ground. Tagas explained, “He’s really only effective on his skates.” After only stumbling a few times and receiving help from his fans, Hoser reached the still dancing Porter and proceeded to give her a tongue lashing the contents of which this magazine is unable to print. Though the other revelers were taken aback by Hoser’s hostility, Porter appeared unfazed. Hoser, seeing this as further insult, ordered Tagas to help him leave and he rode out on the benchwarmer’s back.
The other partiers, shocked at what they had just witnessed, crowded Porter. Part-time fireman Keith Milksteak, a supposed short-time friend of Porter, was quick to ask her why she had bullied Hoser. “When I asked her about this thing with Hoser afterwards, she said she didn’t know that Hoser was talking to her! Apparently she’d turned her hearing aid down because of all the loud music and couldn’t see who he was because of a tragic boating accident many years earlier.”
Meanwhile, Tagas reports that Hoser continued having a hissy fit about Porter until he offered to take him for ice cream. Not satisfied with the ice cream however, Hoser decided that he needed revenge. When his initial idea of time traveling to prevent Porter’s birth was called off by Tagas as unfeasible, Hoser decided that vandalizing the old woman’s home would be sufficient. Says Tagas, “I didn’t want to do it; I mean, the lady didn’t really deserve it, y’know? But I like messing stuff up and I was pretty bored.” So the pair drove to Porter’s house and proceeded to rough things up.
Reports state that when the boys were through, Porter’s house read “U R OLD,” her lawn ornaments were unearthed, her knitting unwound with the yarn strewn in the trees and, classically, dick drawings were in abundance. For good measure, Tagas reports throwing glitter everywhere, “because glitter is impossible to clean up.” The boys enjoyed themselves in their revenge-filled endeavor, with photographic evidence on Myspace showing Hoser attempting to ride a plastic flamingo.
Once they felt the house had been appropriately defaced, the two purportedly hid in the bushes next to Porter’s house to see her reaction when she returned from the party. Hoser realized his mistake when Porter’s seeing-eye dog jumped out of the backseat and Porter thanked the driver for “giving a little old blind lady a lift.”
Once it had been explained to him that he had gotten offended for a blind woman not recognizing him, Hoser burst out of the bushes, allegedly sobbing with apology and professing his love for all blind people, “especially Jamie Foxx in that one movie”. Porter, shocked, had no idea what Hoser was talking about until a sheepish Tagas explained in detail what they had done to her home.
The pair was given a swift caning and told to clean up the house, “hockey players or not!” Porter is not pressing any charges but has instead worked out a deal with Hoser to watch her cats while she takes a vacation in Amsterdam. The three were seen at Mighty Taco sharing a meal not long after the incident, with Hoser receiving many swift hits from Porter’s cane for various impolitenesses. When asked to comment, Porter was kind and grandmotherly as ever. “They’re really not such bad boys, not very bright mind you, and this one,” she said, pinching Hoser’s cheek, “is quite the diva.” Hoser’s comment was unintelligible, presumably because of the large amount of taco in his mouth, to which Porter could only state, “I am concerned for the future.”