by Fabré Cat and Akita Yurhart
|That one girl
“To the girl I sit behind in our Philosophy of Dating class,
I love the way you sweat. Every day I notice the attention to detail of your morning routine. Those sweat stains that dribble down your shirt. Classy as fuck.”
“To the guy in my History of Battlestar Galactica course,
Your shaggy unwashed hair that trails grease is absolutely adorable. I relive my visit to Sea World when I’m around you. I feel like I’m in the splash zone of love.”
“To that girl on the quarter mile from Fish B who goes to Salsarita’s every day at noon,
I don’t know you and you don’t know me, but I bug the conversations with your friends. In your room, I have installed a web cam. Watching you sleep gives my life meaning.”
STREAM OF ACCURACY:
Theodore Roosevelt once wrestled William H. Taft for the Republican primary SEAT in 1911. After flinging Taft to the ground, winning the primary seat, Roosevelt declined the offer and founded the Bull Moose Party instead.
The first three point SEAT belt was developed by Nils Bohlin in reaction to a series of rude taxi drivers in 1959. Bohlin would complain about being throttled to the wind shield. Following the invention, every car company “borrowed” the IDEA.
New Sweden was founded in 1638 at what is now Wilmington, Delaware. Governed on the IDEA that the new world could use some class among other things, the Swedish settlers promptly left when the rest of Europe began to emigrate and cramp their STYLE.
Robespierre was the life of the party in France during the year 1793. Called the Terror, his popular dance called “Le STYLE sans tête” became trendy even after his DEATH.
Edgar Allen Poe was found delirious and in fits on the eve of his DEATH in 1849. He kept mentioning the name “Ludwig” to the people trying to aid him. Today, scientists have discovered that he jumped through time and space, uniting and dividing himself from the universe. “Ludwig” might be the new meaning of life and everything else, outpacing the number 42.
WORD OF THE WEEK:
CLASSHOLE (noun)- More creative than the common asshole, a classy asshole. -Webster’s
As the tuxedo-clad individual strode out of the bar, holding his package which recently contained a rabid lynx, the bartender remarked, “Now he was a grade-A classhole.”
DISTORTER RECOMMENDS SCREAMING INTO A PILLOW
Headed to a high-energy event but feel lethargic? Or are you having trouble learning to yell angrily at your significant other? Or, are you just so frustrated that you want to murder someone? Distorter recommends that you pay attention to your mental health — do not ignore these feelings!
These are all excellent reasons to scream into a pillow. All you need to develop this skill is a pillow (or any large piece of fabric, really) and a healthy lung capacity.
Are you going to watch RIT kick some butt in some intense athletic competition? Get your game face on! Practicing in the mirror is well and fine, but you just aren’t feeling it today. Don’t let your friends down by staying in your room eating too many processed snacks! Just run over to your bed and grab your pillow. Fill your lungs with air, then let out all your tiredness in one long scream. You’ll be ready to cheer on the Tigers in no time! (Don’t overdo it, though, or you might lose your voice before the game even starts.)
Are you one of the lucky ones with someone to love? (Or at least someone that puts up with you most of the time?) But are you also the quiet type that would rather ignore all the insults and indecencies against you? Well, stand up for yourself! Practice raising your voice a few decibels by — you guessed it — screaming into your pillow. Try screaming these phrases:
“You’re so selfish! I hate you!”
“I refuse to take any of your crap anymore! Get out!”
“The house is on fire!”
Feel better? I knew you would. Now you’re ready to practice on your sweetheart!
Sometimes, when you witness the stupidity of the human race, blood might start shooting out of your eyes. Occasionally you might experience such illogical behavior that your head feels as though it is going to explode and needs to be held together with duct tape so your brain matter and intracranial fluid do not trickle down and stain your nice plaid shirt.
One way of acting on these feelings is to punch these people in the face. As satisfying as this would be, this response is generally frowned upon by the general public…and Public Safety.
Distorter recommends that you unclench your fists, take a deep breath, and smother your anger with your trusty pillow. You can repeat this as often as needed; fifteen seconds of scream time is recommended for each frustrating scene you experience during the day. Alternatively, vent your vexation to Rings: they would rather hear from you, the venerable observer, than the idiots you are observing.
Warning: Do not participate in this activity if you have high blood pressure, as this creates a risk of subconjunctival hemorrhage, also known as bleeding in the eye. Do not spend an extended period of time each day screaming into a pillow, as observers could mistake this as a sign of mental instability. Bouts of no more than 45 minutes apiece are recommended. Be sure to wash your pillowcase once a week if you scream lots of things that have the letter “p” in it, as this creates a tendency to spittle.
- PLASTIC WRAP IS CHEAPER THAN CONDOMS.
- TELL YOUR PARENTS WHAT YOU DID THIS WEEKEND.
- APPLY FOR A JOB AT THE DISTORTER.